God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
