It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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