alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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