I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
