He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
