It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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