Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
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