im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
