It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
