so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
