he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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