the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
