I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
