I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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