Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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