Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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