Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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