i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
