He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
