Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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