Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
