And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
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Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
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And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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