this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
