So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
