i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
