Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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