You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
