there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
