someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Randomize
