you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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