she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
