You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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