So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
