At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
