oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
you had me at cake vodka
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
