I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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