My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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