I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
