Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
