Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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