when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
