He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We are two peas in an std pod
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
