just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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