I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
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I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
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I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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