my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
