I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
