Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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