Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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