Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
