No stitches, just platelets and will power
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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