Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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