Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
