Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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