my phone needs a breathalizer
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
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i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
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I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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