I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
