Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
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He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
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I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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