Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
