she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
