My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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