I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
